a coffe shop,

She held her mug,

looking more beautiful than ever.

I took a sip of my drink.

I thought of those days, where you just want to cry,

All these crazy emotions and I just dont understand them.

All I know is they are terrifying, Life threatening,

And I never want to feel them again.

They're occuring alot these days,
And Im pleading with God, that maybe they can stop soon.

That maybe I can have one normal day,
One normal day that I can exhist in the real world,

And stop being so burried in my thoughts and emotions.
Maybe I could care about some normal things.

But now, I sit.
I wait, and Begg, for a little peace.

A break from this constant anxiety.

I said,

"I've lost my mind."

She says,

"I understand"

"Thats sweet of you."

Sickness,

 

Love is nothing but A sore throat,

Pointless pain and endless emotions,

All I want Is for this to be behind me, 

To be locked away.

I never want this again.
Its all I need and all that can make me whole.

I hurt...

And all I really want to do,
Is draw a picture of an anatomically correct heart.

Bleeding.

Everywhere.

Maybe then we could come to an understanding.

False Hopes,

Because too many times I have fallen for Ideas,
Like World Peace,
Teenage Love,
And a World Class education.


I try to swallow it down,
im tired, and this is hard work.

The splinters of these dysfuntional emotions,
run down my throat in attempt to make it to my lungs.

Maybe,
locked in this closet,
my gasping breath and the ash from my last cigarette
will ease the pain,
of these memories that will never fade.

,,

Sometimes,
all I can do is think about how great I am.
all those little thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis.
Theres millions of them,
Im magnificent,
me, a magnificent being,
bringing all of these wonderful thoughts and creations into the universe,
no one has ever thought this before me,'
Im a genius,

stop.

Im in a trance and need to wake up.

these thoughts are bullshit, even my doctor says so.

Im just that ordinary kid who cant find love,
because im to afraid to tell her, and she wont tell me.

Do I risk medication, and the loss of creativity,
or do I sit here, screaming, with no one listening,
hoping that one day I will make sense.

Maybe one day, we will all feel the same.
Maybe I need to stop dreaming, and give up all together.

I think im going to go to college,
maybe ill get a degree,
be something im not.


I hope things turn out the way God meant for them too.

things of the dark,

its getting out of control,

something that I once discovered,
terrified me.
i think about it alot,
and it kinda scared me at first,
knowing that im slowly becoming more and more crazy,

but then i thought,
maybe my brain works better than everyone elses,
and you are all the crazy ones,

maybe its good to get emotional over stupid things,
to loose sleep over stupid things like,
what I ate for dinner,
I truly believe in bigfoot,
the fact that I really do think dress shoes look good with jeans,
im thinking of "her",
i am convinced mr. nelson somehow reads my text messages,
and how god either has a really good sense of humor,
or just doesnt like me very much.

maybe im crazy, or maybe im the exact same as everbody else,
maybe no one else is willing to speak up about there irrational thoughts,
and its making me look like the crazy one.




maybe one day ill be famous.

paris,

a place where the music is right,
people paint cool pictures,
and lets get real, french kissing...
I mean we are in highschool right?

Paris represents perfection,
in a different sense,
not in the sense that everyone is perfect,
or striving to be perfect in every thing they doing.

Perfectly... inhuman, unafraid, artistic?
Im not quite sure.

Its the place every one thinks of,
its the place we link or memories to,
even if we have never been there.

The songs of three summers ago that we cant seem to forget,
and those crushes we cant seem to get over,
our first concert,
and being home so early in the morning you will never be aloud to do anything again.
The strum on the Mandolin, the mark of spray paint on the wall,

Thats paris,
And I need to stop dreaming, stop thinking so much,
thinking that maybe one day ill be there.


Maybe ill finally come to realize, this is paris.
Im living my life in paris right now,
but im so wrapped up in the little things that I dont realize it.

this is paris, and that is paris.
And I just need to stop thinking so much,
Realize being in paris means alot more than I thought.

thinking of you,

Im thinking of you darling,

Im thinking of you
kinda like,
all the kids in Mr. Nelsons Creative writing class
are thinking of there blogpost, on thinking of you.
Im thinking of you like the socks think about the shoes,
Like the teeth and the toothbrushes are thinking about eachother,
Like the Prostitutes are thinking about how nice it would be if they had a coat,
because they are sitting there alone and cold,

Im thinking of you  like pen thinks about paper,
the way Roah thinks about wearing his grandmas clothes,
and the way that Obama thinks about change and hope,

But its not enough,
Because the president isnt thinking about love,
and all these little things dont matter,

Im thinking of you,
of your smile,
and your love
and something needs to change,
because your not thinking of me,
and it hurts like hell.

Im thinking of you darling,
and all I want is for you to know that.

twitter,

I just honestly dont understand twitter,
maybe thats a cliche statement,
but quite honsetly its true.

Its not saying much though,
because there isnt much that I understand,
I dont understand why I put so many commas in my writing,
and I dont understand why I have to go to school everymorning,
I dont understand why the people at the other end of 911 ask so many questions,
when Im trying to keep someone from dying,
I most definatly dont understand why im writing this,
and how in the Hell all my problems revolve around twitter,
when I dont even have one.

I dont know much,
But I think too much,
And I want too much,
And I expect all too much from the people
who expect a whole lot more back from me.
and I cant give it to them,
because I cant put a #hashtag in front of it,

and for some reason that scares the hell out of me.

#goodnight

love,

I dont know much about love,
In fact I dont know anything about love,
I assume many things about love,
But I will tell you one thing for sure,
Love is not what popular culture
and most highschoolers pretend it is,
its far from that.

For me,
Love is setting yourself up for failure,
at least as a teeneager,
not knowing what I will do for the rest of my life,
and being so absolutely scared,
Because all the things that I love,
I cant let go,
The things I dream about at night,
the things I hold closest to my heart,
may not be able to support a family,
but Im ok with that,
I cant afford to lose this thing that Im oh so unsure of.